Manifesto

  Anorexia has stolen my life

The pursuit to be thin

An ever-elusive dream

A number on the scale

A size tag on my jeans

It stole my thoughts

My heart

My hope

Anorexia told me I wasn’t worth what

I know

It told me I needed to work to be loved

I needed to make every bite count because

I’d need to sweat it out later

On the treadmill or

in my steps or

in my kettlebell swings

It told me

“He doesn’t love you because you’re fat”

“They don’t respect you because you binge”

“Wear that tight waistband

to remind you what a stupid fat cow

you are”

Anorexia told me I was nothing

It told me I needed it to be happy

And then

When I finally began to see

That my worth was not to be

Wrapped up in calories or

Sizes or

Jeans

That bitch

That awful murderous bitch

Revealed she had also been stealing my

Children

Anorexia always wants more

She’s greedy and

Hates life

She will only be satisfied when

there is nothing

Left to take

Even though I’ve given everything

To this

Awful bitch

This mean girl

This bully

But I will not give in to you, Anorexia

You don’t get them, or me

Any

More.

Yeah, I’m fat now. Fatter than I’ve ever been. But this belly, these wiggly arms, this double chin, has saved their lives. I can’t be mad at her for doing what it needs to do. The extra rolls like armor that make me invincible against your shit, Anorexia. My body needed this weight to defeat you. To be able to laugh when I don’t fit into the size L pants from Goodwill. “Kids L?” To be able to say, it’s the pants that are the problem, not me. That shirt doesn’t flatter me, not letting the shirt have any say. To laugh when I flop to the mat instead of sitting quietly in my class. To move my body and grieve and laugh and dance because I only get one body, goddammit Anorexia. This body is mine, not yours.

You can’t have me and you can’t have them either. The fight’s not over and you’re not gonna win. ”