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That First Monday


That first Monday

My home was empty

We were in our own homes

We didn’t gather

We were out on our own


My home was so empty

My couches so empty

My dishes all clean

The silence was

Deafening


What do we do now?

I’m in my house in grief

A grief my family

Doesn’t seem to share

Or understand


Some still there

Some have gone

Now it’s been so long

Who even cares

Anymore


I wasn’t ready for that empty nest

For the ten years of distance

For the pretending everything is okay


I went off and did my own thing

The “right” thing

I stayed in the fold

I worked for the shepherd

I distanced myself from those who had walked away

I abandoned my friends

I abandoned myself


And when shit hit the fan

And more shit hit the fan

And even more shit hit the fan

The ones in the fold

Folded

Crumpled

Unable to withstand the depth of my despair

Even I couldn’t stand in the deep, drowning waters


But those who had walked away

Listened to their bodies and

Heard the request for rest

They were ready to really care

To see my exhaustion

To just be there


Not fix it

Not excuse it

Not minimize it

Not say empty words

Just be


Maybe there will come a time

When they’re exhausted by me too

But at least the supports are multiplied

Not divided as

We once thought they were

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